


To Be Free

by lottielovebuzz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2014!Cas, 2014!Dean, 2014!verse, Angst, End!verse, Episode: s05e04 The End, M/M, The End coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 03:53:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lottielovebuzz/pseuds/lottielovebuzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before their unsuccessful hunt to kill the Devil, Dean and Cas spend the night together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be Free

It's times like this, when everyone settles down with a beer, celebrating over another victory that Dean retires to his room, sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands and wishes he'd said yes. He's not sure _what_ he wishes he'd said yes to; Sammy coming back, Zachariah and Michael. He's not sure. Just that he should've said it to someone. 

He hears the door open then close; hears the scuff of boots on the floor; feels the bed dip as someone sits down beside him.

He doesn't look up, doesn't need to. Dean knows there's only one person brave - or stupid - enough to interrupt their fearless leader when he wants to be alone. 

'Doesn't matter how much you wish, Dean, it won't change anything.' Cas' gravelly voice cuts through the silence and Dean finally lifts his head from his hands.

'Doesn't stop me from trying.' Dean murmurs in reply, taking the bottle of beer that Cas offers him from his hand. He raises it to his mouth and takes a sip.

'They're out there celebrating our victory.' 

'How can you call this a victory? Are they really that delusional?' Dean mutters because it's true. They can call this a victory all they want; having found the Colt and the location of the Devil, and that maybe they were going to put an end to this, but what good was it going to do? The world was over. Gone. Hell had won; Heaven had lost. Earth had lost. 

Demons and freaking Lucifer had taken over and just killing him wasn't going to make everything go back to normal; wasn't going to get rid of the Croats. It would just end whatever the hell this was, and maybe put Dean's mind to rest, because he's been fighting this for so long and yeah, tomorrow it was going to end. One way or another. 

'Fine. They're out there celebrating their last day on earth. Does that sound better?' Cas says and it's not a hiss or a growl. There's no anger in his voice. He just sounds as laid-back as he always does. And when Dean's head whips around to his, eyes wide as if he can't believe what he just heard, Cas grins and gives a soft chuckle.

'You're not a discreet as you think you are, Dean.' 

Dean opens and closes his mouth, trying to think of something to say, but no sound comes out. He closes his mouth once more, runs his tongue along his teeth before he finally speaks, 'Do the others know?'

'I doubt it; they don't know you like I do.' 

Dean turns away from him then, looks back down to the bottle of beer that he holds in his hand. Cas is right; no one knows Dean like Cas does. And the fact that he can see through his stupid smirk and his fake words is surprisingly comforting, because it means Cas hasn't changed that much. He still knows Dean; the drugs, orgies, women, hasn't changed that about Castiel, and somehow, in some strange way, Dean can take solace in that. 

'Yeah.' Is what he says instead. 

He hears Castiel chuckle; that deep rumble that, to this day, is still such an unfamiliar sound. When he was an Angel, he barely smiled, let alone laughed. And now, here he was, buried neck deep in decadence, all traces of Grace and faith gone. The man lies now; cheats and sins like it's going out of fashion, and Dean… Dean feels responsible for it all. 

He doesn't like feeling responsible; Cas is a grown man and can do whatever the hell he wants, but dammit, it was Dean that taught Cas how to lie; taught him about the fun that came with inequity. And of course it came at a price, because Dean never stressed that these things should only be done in small quantities. That it was fun, but that when you overdid it, it was messy and dangerous. And he watched his friend, his brother in so many ways, fall into a deep, dark pit that not even Dean could raise him from. 

And it's not like he didn't try. For so many years he tried, but then he realised something; realised that Cas didn't want to be raised from this pit, and that's when Dean gave up. 

'It's the only way.' Dean says and he really doesn't know who he's trying to convince, because he's not sure that it is the only way, because they could just go on like this. But Dean wanted to put a bullet in that bastard's head; wanted to finally say goodbye to his brother, even though he's sure his brother is long gone by now. 

'I know, Dean.' 

He says nothing else after that, raises the bottle to his mouth and takes a sip, because he knows that Cas can see through him; can see the inner battle, can see that he's torn between wanting everything to be over and wanting to save his friends. Cas knows him better than anyone; always has and always will.

After that, he's not sure what happened. Maybe Dean kissed Cas first, or maybe Cas kissed Dean, but all he knows is that he's soon lying on his back, with Cas leaning over him, promising to make their last night of Earth good for the both of them. 

And they both knew it was going to happen like this; they were finally going to give into all those stares, feelings, looks and nothing could come of it. They both knew that by the time they got brave enough to finally do something about that stupid tug that always appeared when they watched the other head to someone else's cabin, there wouldn't be another time. They both knew that it would be a one time thing, no matter how much they loved it; how much they wanted it. And both of them question why they're doing it anyway because it's such a stupid thing to do. It's only giving them a taste of what could've been, what _should've_ been. What they can never have.

But they also know that they've got to do it. That they can't leave the world not knowing what it's like; how it feels. Maybe that's why they're finally giving into it tonight. So that they have the memory of it, something to hold onto when they finally face Lucifer tomorrow. They don't even know if the Colt will work, what they do know is that the chances of both of them making it back are fucking slim. In fact, the chances of Castiel making it back at all are fucking impossible. 

And yeah, maybe that's the reason Dean digs into his beside table and pulls out his half-empty bottle of lube that he only uses on himself. Maybe that's why he hangs onto Cas' shoulders for dear life as he fucks him with his fingers. Maybe that's why he holds onto the bars of the headboard as Castiel rides him. Maybe that's why he holds on Cas like he's never letting go after every orgasm as if he's afraid he'll disappear before they can start the next round, because this is the only chance they have to do it. 

And maybe, that's why it hurts so fucking much when Cas rolls off him, only lying beside him for a minute or two, before he rolls off the bed, picking up his discarded pants and shirt and tugging them on. Maybe that's why it kills him when he watches Cas slide his feet into his boots, tying the laces securely without saying a word, even though Dean's eyes are burning holes into his back. 

'We're killing the Devil today, aren't we?' Cas questions, his eyes flickering over to Dean briefly before they land on the small window, watching as the sun rises and gives the sky a beautiful red tone. His eyes land on Dean again as he slowly nods his head, and Dean's heart stops when Cas gives him a stupid smirk and says, 'Best get ready then. Don't want to be late for our last mission.'  

And Dean knows for a fact that there's so much he should say to Castiel right now, that he can't let him walk away like this. But the only thing he seems to be able to say is, 'I'm sorry. For everything.' 

And maybe all of this is just another reason why Dean shouldn't love, because everyone he loves only ends up in pain. Maybe this is why he should just go and find the Devil by himself, face his brother without sacrificing anyone else to do so.

Cas stops at the door, but he doesn't turn back to look at Dean, and Dean knows _exactly_ why that hurts now.

'You do what's best, Dean. There's nothing to be sorry for. It's just the way this is supposed to end.' Cas mutters and that's pretty much the last thing he says to Dean - other than a quick goodbye before he faces the Croats and a stupid fucking kiss as he follows the others into the warehouse and Dean slips away unnoticed - before he leaves Dean alone in his room, with a heart that's heavy with guilt and sadness. Dean pulls himself from the bed and shoves his clothes on, and before he leaves the room to go and lead his friends to their deaths, he gives the covers that are rumpled, unmade and still stained with their last night together, one last look and Dean wishes he could take those with him. 

But instead, he just thinks about how they'll both be _free_ after today and that seems to be enough to let him leave the room and that memory behind, and go and face the Devil. 

Because they both know that's what was supposed to happen; they were supposed to wait until their last night on Earth, they were supposed to find solace in one and other, because it was supposed to be special for them. 

It was supposed to be the thing that carried them into the next world. 

It was supposed to be the thing that set them free.

**Author's Note:**

> enjoying this fic?? I'd love you forever if you bought me a coffee!! ko-fi.com/cahwrites


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